Learning from a Mistake
“Those with the growth mindset found setbacks motivating. They’re informative. They’re a wake-up call.” -Carol S. Dweck, Mindset.
What happens when things go better than planned but then you f*ck it all up? When you do better than you thought you could but no one sees it? Or, the story of how I badly bruised my ego as I slid down the leaderboard, and the lessons learned along the way.
My 2022 CrossFit Games Age Group Quarter Finals came to an abrupt end on Saturday April 23rd. The experience for me was the most challenging weekend of competition ever in my 10+ year career of CrossFit. The hardest part of all is trying to recover from the emotional rollercoaster of utmost high to the deepest low.
I did the quarterfinals in the small but mighty gym I belong to, Palm Valley CrossFit. There were 3 of us masters female athletes, Kisha (who owns the gym), 35-39, Consuelo ( 65+) and myself in the 55-59 division. We also had Sydney, who did the workouts and judged us all like a champ.
On Thursday afternoon we did two of the workouts: #4 and #1. Workout #4 was the CrossFit Total: 30 minutes to complete a max back squat, strict press, and deadlift. Only 3 attempts per lift, and they must be done in order. I was terrified of this workout because I was afraid of my back going out. I made my second attempt of 225# on my squat and then went for 235# (which is my lifetime PR). It felt great, but as I was coming out of the hole, my velcro belt blew open so I dropped the bar. Ok though, I was still happy with 225#.
I made 106# on my press which I felt good about, and then managed to pull 285# on my 3rd deadlift attempt. But I felt it in my back start to twinge in pain. Not good.
I rested a bit and then did workout #2 which was 3 rounds for time of 20 toes to bar, and 20 alternating dumbbell snatches. I was worried about my back, but it held up and I got a score of 5:06 which I felt fine with. I left the gym feeling really satisfied with strong finishes for day 1. Then, in my car I looked at my phone and discovered that my video for the Total didn’t save!! SHIT. That meant I had no choice but to redo it. UGH. I talked to Kisha and she also wanted to repeat so we decided to wait until Saturday to give ourselves a bit to recover. Friday morning we did workout # 2 which was a long chipper with a 20 minute time cap of:
50 overhead squats
40 bar-facing burpees
40 back-rack walking lunges
30 bar-facing burpees
30 cleans
20 bar-facing burpees
20 dumbbell box step-overs
10 muscle-ups
I was scared about the muscle ups in this workout, because even though I have them, they hurt my shoulder if I catch too low, so I do them very rarely. Plus, being a taller athlete, burpees are one of my least favorite movements. Nevertheless, I powered through and managed to complete all 10 of the muscle-ups with a score of 16:23. I felt great about that.
I submitted my scores for #1 and #2.
I went home and ate and rested a bit, then headed back to the gym.
When I got there, Kisha told me I was in 5th place after the first 2 workouts! I was surprised and amazed but thrilled! I warmed up for WOD #3 which was a wheelhouse workout for me of ascending rope climbs and shuttle runs in a 10 minute time cap.
I got into the round of 6 rope climbs for a total of 48 reps, which I felt was a decent score.
I uploaded my video to youtube, and left the gym feeling like it was a good day. But in the back of my mind, I still had the redo of the Total hanging over my head.
I did whatever I could Friday night to recover and get my back feeling as good as possible:
I mobilized, stretched, did yoga, took a hot tub, CBD pills, CBD recovery cream, used the Hypervolt, ate good food, and got lots of sleep.
Saturday morning I attacked the Total again.
It took everything in my power to get into the right frame of mind to be able to make those lifts for the second time. And I did. I ditched the velcro for my leather belt, and I hit 225#. I then went for 235# on my back squat and made it!! YES! Then I made my 106# press again, AND the 285# deadlift!! And my back was still in one piece. WHEW! Kisha did great too, and the vibe was high in the gym. On to workout #5. Although we had until the next day to get that one done, we decided to strike while the iron was hot and do it while we were nice and warm.
Workout #5 was a repeat of one from the Master’s Qualifier in 2014, which was my first year competing in it. I remember that WOD vividly because I had to repeat it 3 times due to a broken rope, my foot being out of the frame, and other video issues.
The workout is:
3 rounds of 50 cal row, 15 kipping Handstand pushups (this time I got to use a 2” riser), and 50 double unders, with a time cap of 20 minutes.
It has taken me YEARS to master double unders and I still trip often, so I was concerned. But, I managed to do the whole workout unbroken and I felt like I stayed pretty strong on my row. My time was 14:50, compared to my previous time of 19:18 in 2014, I was feeling good.
We did it! Finished the 1/4s and were still standing! I felt great about my performances and like I had good times for all of my WODs. High fives all around!
I uploaded my videos to youtube and left the gym in a great mood. I stopped at the farmers market on the way home and as I was enjoying a piece of delicious gluten free apricot rugelach, I realized I still needed to post my scores for Workout #3 from yesterday!! FUCK!!! There I was at 12pm with no internet service on my phone and unable to upload my scores. By the time I got home and back online, the submission window was officially closed.
I sat there in total disbelief and shock. How could I let that happen? It wasn't like I wasn't fully aware of the deadline! I had even written in my pregame plan as part of my desired outcome that I would upload my videos and submit my scores on time. And we had just been talking about it at the gym. How did it escape my mind?
I started listing all of the excuses and reasons:
I don't have a coach and there wasn't a dedicated support team around me and blah blah blah, I tried to blame it on everyone else at first.
I emailed CrossFit HQ 7 times. I shed tears. I texted and called my friends who would understand the anguish and pain I was experiencing. It stung so badly. IF I had submitted my score of 48 reps, It would have been a top 10, but instead I got a zero score for workout #3.
I spent the rest of Saturday in a complete daze. Totally exhausted, stunned and in disbelief. After all that effort.
What really got me was that I almost didn't even do the open. I hadn't been training. I hadn't been planning on competing anymore. I was done. Retired. Finished with all of this. I wanted to help other people get to the Games and share my experience and knowledge.
But I had decided to do the open for fun, and once I took another sip of that Kool Aid, I was hooked. I did pretty well in the Open and I got fired up and started training. Kisha, Cruz, Sydney and I began following Mayhem Masters in the beginning of April and I was loving it. The programming was great. I could feel that I was getting stronger and it was fun again!
And yet here I am now. All my fitness didn't matter. I had royally blown it. And the fault is all my own.
I called my good friend Chris and he reminded me to stay positive. There was still a slim chance though, if my score for workout 5 was strong that I could still be in the running. Sunday morning I went back to the gym to cheer for Cruz as she did #5 And For Kisha as she repeated it too. For a fleeting moment I considered redoing #5 to help climb back up the leaderboard, but the likelihood of being able to do it again with all the double unders unbroken was slim, and besides, I was completely deflated.
So I uploaded my score for #5 and waited until 1pm when the leaderboard was unofficially finalized.
I ended up in 32nd place. Two spots outside of being able to advance to the finals.
When I did the math and counted how many points I would have if my score for #3 had been submitted, I could have finished in 2nd place.
So now here I am. In a spot I never imagined I'd be in.
I'm the mindset coach, so I should have my mental game on point right? Now it was taking all of my mental fortitude and every bit of strength I had left to pull myself out of a spiral of depression and negativity.
I gave my self a talking to: “ You have a growth mindset, so it’s time to grow here. Learn from this experience and focus on the positives”!
I Did all 10 muscle ups without failing any of them and my shoulder is still intact.
I redid the Total and matched my or lifetime PR back squat of 235#, and PR press of 106#, plus I hit #285 for the DL which is only 5# of my lifetime PR. And my back is okay.
I did ALL my double unders unbroken! And beat my 2014 score by almost 5 minutes!
I had a great time with the small but mighty crew of powerhouse women at Palm Valley CF
For me personally, my performance was a success, even if the leaderboard doesn’t reflect it.
I am human and I made a mistake. I’m putting my trust in the Universe and maybe it has plans for me other than a fourth trip to the CrossFit Games. Everything is happening as it should be for a reason. I have a lot to be grateful for. Especially that I even get to do this at all!